Seeing the Good
How Small Moments Shape Our Nervous System
As I step into my car after a workout, an older gentleman waves excitedly from outside my window. His genuine smile disarms me, and I roll down my window to hear him out. Enthusiastically, he tells me how beautiful my car's color is and how he recognized its make from afar. I thank him for the kind words, say goodbye, and drive away with a smile on my face.
The world is full of sweet people.
The thought surprises me a little—and makes me smile again. A bit of surprise because I know some days, it doesn’t feel true at all. I’ve had moments when I seemed to encounter one judgmental or unpleasant person after another, and the world didn’t feel so friendly. I know others have felt the same.
During COVID, I listened to Dr. Stephen Porges talk about how kind eye contact helps regulate the nervous system. Polyvagal theory, developed by Porges, explains how our autonomic nervous system responds to safety and threat. It describes three states: a regulated, connected state (ventral vagal), a fight-or-flight state (sympathetic), and a shutdown, disconnected state (dorsal vagal). Our nervous system is constantly scanning our environment for cues of safety or threat—a process called neuroception. When it picks up cues of threat, it automatically shifts into fight-or-flight (sympathetic activation) or a state of collapse and withdrawal (dorsal vagal shutdown). But when we feel safe—through connection, social engagement—our nervous system can shift into regulation, helping us feel calmer and more present.
We co-regulate through connection—even brief, kind eye contact with strangers. Since then, I’ve been more intentional about noticing these small moments. Because when our nervous system is in a state of threat, we see the world through a lens of judgment and agenda, interpreting the incoming information with a negative bias and reinforcing the belief that we need to stay guarded. And while there are times when self-protection is necessary, I also want to be someone who makes the world feel a little kinder.
If my gaze can be warm and bring a moment of relief to someone, I want to offer that. I think back to last Christmas at the post office, when an elderly woman walked in and, one by one, people stepped in to help her. Again, the thought comes: The world is full of sweet people.
Okay, maybe not full of them. But there are many. And if we can hold onto that knowledge—even when our nervous system pulls us into fear—maybe we can be part of the force that brings more kindness and light into the world. And in doing so, we remind ourselves—and each other—that goodness is still here, waiting to be noticed.
If you’d like to learn more about polyvagal theory and different ways to bring your system back to regulation, here’s a YouTube video you can watch.
https://youtu.be/0zrlKLgnov4?si=626eSkdr1R_adPH3
And if feeling unsafe has been a familiar experience for you and you’d like to explore that together, reach out.
